The hards

A short piece about the simple, opinionated hards who make us self-conscious when they speak their minds and comprise most of the people in mainstream societies (especially in White communities and in the South)

It’s easy to pick a hard: they speaks their mind, they seem to know when a waitress is bad within the first few minutes, they don’t smile at the staff at the McDonald’s drive-thru: their contempt or enthusiasm is hardly concealed, they are hard.

The hard exist in a plane of assumed knowledge, which, though not easily comprehensible, is full of complicated expectations and issues. It contributes to the tension which the hard-ones (“hards”) seem to contend with in the company of other hards.

Some famous hards include: Dr Phil, Bill O’Reilly, The Queen and Jennifer Lopez (apart from the Queen, these are all Americans- so there’s that too)

It’s easy to tell when two hards are butting their hard heads.  Firstly, the sentences get shorter, and, though hards generally maintain a high talking volume, fighting sees them talk quiter and more passive-aggressively. They snap just a few short words- often through a fakish smile, then they grit. Then, upon hearing the enemy hard speak, they laugh more loudly and erratically than the first time. The things people say matter too much, so the hards often ignore this completely. There’s usually a flicker of crazy in the eyes too. They never leave until they think they’ve won. That’s the hard way.

Phil: so. hard.

The hard shout, they can’t be subtle, they don’t have time for it- they overkill on sick leave applications and essay extension forms (“I had the flu…no, wait, is polio still a thing?”) The hard possess a certain rawness, tempered by a pragmatic know-how. They don’t chat or make small talk- they speak,  they state.

These coarse, clumsy, concrete, hards are everywhere. They tend to go for a racial stereotype to explain co-workers. Yes, they might even make up half of your parents. Yes, you might have some of it too. If you’re the youngest child, everyone else is hard.

It’s not jerkiness or insensitivity (at least, not always,) it’s just how the hards communicate- and they are certainly honest. The hards, for example, do not understand the meaning of the phrase “awkward situation.” to them, that’s a made up phenomenon and is hipster nonsense (The hards hate hipsters) The phrases “Self-conscious” and “1st-world-problem” also DO-NOT-COMPUTE.

Snappy calls and mockery and stereotypes- it’s better than “multiplicity” and “multiculturalism” and “communication” and all that crap.

Because the hard hate self-consciousness (because they can’t understand it), they promote transparency and they hate secrets (unless they have to cheat in a test, in which case, they like secrets.)

However, for all their awfulness, the hards make you happy. It’s usually a hard who will shout down the crazy person on a bus or send away the needy drunk guy who walks into a high school. The more “subtle” among us, claim that we are leaving people to themselves, that it’s none of our business, and that if there’s a problem, someone will eventually call the police (who are also all hards). But, for those times when subtlety seems just as effective as cowardice (and where there is confrontation of any kind) then you’ll want a hard on your team, because that’s when they shine (like a gaudy Christmas tree.)

Ok, you’ve shined enough now, that’s too much, stop saying that about your hairdresser it’s pretty racist.

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